NOT TODAY GRANDMA!!!

Did the silly title catch your attention? Wanting to know the true meaning behind it??? Well read on dear dodies and I will share the madness behind the statement. Can you believe that the holidays are nearly here? Am I the only one who has been completely caught off guard? Time is flying and there is much to be done, but here I sit, bundled up and no, it's not because it's winter, as you wouldn't know that by the 80 degree temperature we experienced today in Hotlanta. It's because in all the madness of my life and the fast approaching holiday...I would have to come down with the flu. The flu!!! Geez...why now? Well...why not now I guess. Truth is, lately I have been stressing myself out, trying to head in too many directions at one time and maybe my aging body has decided that if I wouldn't take all of the subtle ( and some not so subtle ) hints to slow down...well guess what missy...we'll throw a cog in to your plans and make you have to stop. And so I sit at my lap top...ginger ale glass well in reach ( no alcohol included) fashionably dressed in my thickest black fuzzy socks and pink flannels with little black Scottie dogs. Not exactly the picture of a diva. Well...I must admit the black Scottie dogs are diva-ish. Black fuzzy socks...a necessity to warm my ice cold feet. I did make every attempt today to put my best face forward. I to this day live by the famous Saturday Night Live skit of Billy Crystal...it is much better to look good, then feel good. Unfortunately my efforts were a complete waste of time and make up for the hour that I was able to keep it on before I had to crawl back in to my pj's due to body aches and chills. There is nothing like that old fuzzy dependable robe when sickness sets in. So I sit...a bit on the cranky side as I am angry with myself for allowing myself to get sick when there is so much to be done. I made myself a promise just the other day at the sudden realization that the holidays were coming whether I liked it or not that I would find and maintain some sense of holiday spirit this year. I mean, we are all in charge of our own emotions... we can choose to be happy or scrooge like, but the bottom line is we have a choice. So I am keeping my promise...yes, there is a smile on my face and a happy holiday tune in my head. That's right...I am the hostess of holiday cheer, the jester of jingle, I am going to be the fa in the la,la,la laaaaah. It's a good thing too...or I might start to dwell on how it irked me that I had to walk through 15 aisles of Christmas items before I could get to the aisle that had what I was needing 2 weeks before Halloween. And thank goodness my happy holiday spirits won't allow me to succumb to that grinch like feeling with the arrival of yet another holiday card complete with one of those gushy, let me give you an entire run down of the family's life since we last talked to you via a holiday letter a year ago card...and my I'm dreaming of a White Christmas philosophy won't even allow me to want to drive around my neighborhood with a dart gun taking out every awful ( how much more tacky can they get) holiday inflatable. Believe me...I would be doing you and your neighbor's a huge favor with that dart gun...I mean friend's shouldn't allow friends to use inflatables. Some day these will come back to haunt you like those 80's shoulder pads and side pony tails...oh come on, you know how the photos make you cringe. I mean even if I had one scrooge type bone in my body you wouldn't hear me going on and on about how they should at least make it a law that if you are going to display those things, they need to remain inflated 24 hours a day 7 days a week through out the holiday period. Why??? Because driving through the neighborhood in the light of day seeing what amounts to either a snowman crime scene of melted white polyurethane or as though a quadrant of sky divers just landed and left their parachutes strewn about all over the hillside. No not me...because this year I am the ambassador of good will. ( maybe next year I can get elected as the ambassador of good taste and do something about the above mentioned). But until that time, my cup runneth over with 11 Lords a Leapin and I couldn't be merrier. In fact I caught myself whistling that happy tune as I once again struggled to pull out my mail from my crammed to the gills mailbox that was overflowing with yet another Macy's ONE DAY SALE circular...Lowest Prices of the Season...How could Monday offer the lowest prices of the season when Sunday supposedly did? According to my calculations ( and I'm no math whiz), by December 24th, Macy's should be paying me to walk out of there with their merchandise. I mean every day the prices get lower and lower...at a certain point they should be owing me money shouldn't they??? Now please, don't get me wrong because everyone who knows me knows my first true love is Macy's and it remains my true love, in fact...sniff, sniff, I get teary eyed just thinking about it. Yep..that's right...no amount of distraction will keep me from my goal of maintaining the happiest of holiday moods. You couldn't slap the yuletide grin from my face and I feel good about it. I feel proud! I will keep my promise and do all I can to keep from repeating that ugly incident from last year. Okay...you all have hung in to my story long enough so its high time I reveal the meaning behind the title. Dodies...I am sorry to have to share this with you, but they say confession is good for the soul. Last year, at about this very time, I was on my way in to Target. I had just spent the entire first half of the day running haphazardly here and there and I'll admit my holiday nerves were a bit on the jagged side. I had avoided 6 close calls in my vehicle...6 separate incidents where someone came really close to hitting me. I was so disgusted by the total lack of concern for one's fellow driver that I nearly headed for home to safely park my car in the bat cave and go in to total hibernation until all the craziness had ended. But I persevered and knew that if I could just complete this one final task, I would be ahead of the game and able to return to a life of sanity. So there I was...at my final destination along with a gazillion other shoppers as quickly surmised by the amount of cars in the parking lot. But then it happened...just as I was seriously thinking of calling it a day, a set of reverse lights beckoned me like the light at the end of a tunnel. Be not afraid, look you are welcomed here. So I patiently waited for the driver to back out feeling good that I was about to complete my final chore. But then suddenly...my happy moment was disrupted by the appearance of a competitor. Could this be? Was someone really thinking that they were going to jump ahead of me and take the prime spot of real estate that I had so patiently waited for. Yes, sure enough...there just on the other side of the reverse moving mommy van sat one of those big old land yachts. You know the one...the type little old grannies drive slowly to Church every Sunday and once a week for their standing appointment for a wash and set at the neighborhood salon. I got a better glimpse of my stalker and sure enough...the little patch of curled blue hair was just slightly visible above the steering wheel of her land missile. White knuckles securely positioned on the wheel at the 11 and 2 o'clock position, steely gray eyes glaring through her little spectacles. I could see her and she could see me. I have to admit had this been any other day I would have probably said, you know what...shame on you, but you must need that spot more then I do and I would have just shook my head in disgust as I passed her allowing her to take what was so rightfully mine. After all I was raised by a well mannered family that harped on the fact that no matter what, you were to always show respect to your elders. In fact, for just a moment I thought about my own match stick sized Grammy and could even picture her sitting there next to me in the car saying, now Gina...she is older then you. Let her go first...but then it hit me. A strange rush of adrenaline flooded my body and when the mommy van was just far enough out of the way, I gunned the beemer from 0 to 60 and headed for my prize. Just as I was turning in I looked over at that dear, sweet old woman and yelled the words...NOT TODAY GRANDMA!!! That's right Dodies...I did it, I took what truly was my rightful spot and headed towards the store feeling less then proud, but entitled as it really was my right to have that spot. Besides, my feet were tired and sore from having shopped in heels all day ( let's not even go there on this blog), and I had managed to avoid 6 fender benders and I was tired of being the one who always has to make concessions. So I have gone from concessions to confessions. Here it is a year later and I still hold some remorse for what I did. In fact, that evening on finally reaching the safety of my home, I cleansed my soul by telling my husband of my naughty public display and then I washed my mouth out with a couple of glasses of chardonnay. I was not proud of my behavior. I do however have to admit...the words NOT TODAY GRANDMA have become a call to rise up and a continued private ( well no longer private ) joke amongst my yaya's when life gets us flustered and we need to blow off some steam. NOT TODAY GRANDMA has become synonymous kind of like the Marines Semper Fi.
It is the call of the yaya! So friends, Dodies and fellow holiday shoppers, remember...life is short...drive carefully, be kind and most of all decorate tastefully...you never know when I may just lose it and go all Rambo on those yard abnormalities. Pinkies Up!